1. Crabby children come with even crabbier parents who are determined to make sure that little Johnny or Susie squeaks every possible moment out of this magical vacation that took every single penny of you huge cash advance and second mortgage to afford.
2. Even if you’ve never liked Mickey Mouse and his big ears, you will find yourself overwhelmed with having to purchase souvenirs. That were all made in China. Forget McDonalds. Disney has the lock on cheap, plastic crap made in China. Every single ride ends with a “store” where you can purchase special memorabilia of the moment you just spent with Pooh and his friends.
3. If it looks like it is going to rain, it is going to rain. And the clothes you’re wearing should be able to withstand torrential downpours. Unless, of course, you’re Nakedjen and it happens to be Friday. Then getting absolutely drenched and walking around the park in your see-thru top and pants is perfectly acceptable no matter what your Mormon niece and nephew have to say about it.
4. Wearing your pajamas to the restaurant for an afternoon snack is perfectly acceptable as well. Especially if it is, again, going to rain. Might as well do the wet pajama contest while you’re there. And not worry about how you have completely embarrassed your Mormon relatives. They’ll get over it. So will the other restaurant patrons.
5. The kale that is growing under the trees in Morocco in Epcot is NOT organic. It looks very good, but it is riddled with pesticides. As is everything else served at Disney. Organics just aren’t popular enough to sell according to everyone I asked. And believe me, I asked.
6. Speaking of organics, when the limo driver tells you he’s taking you to a very exclusive grocery store that has all the organic produce and rice cakes you could possibly need, he’s lying. The grocery store has carpeting. As well as a wine section large enough to keep all of Florida drunk for the entire hurricane season. But there is not a single organic item to be found in the whole store. Demand that he take you to Whole Foods, instead. Even if it is 30 minutes in the wrong direction.
7. There is no good coffee at Disney, either. Not even Starbucks, which I would have settled for, given my increasing lack of good nutrition anyway. In Morocco at Epcot you can find a saint who will make you a café au lait. Praise her and ask her to marry you. She’ll then make you another one. For free.
8. There is no flash photography allowed on any of the rides at Disney. Apparently, they have signs and public announcements telling you this. I never saw or heard a single one. And so I happily took lots of pictures. I was also reprimanded many many times for doing just that. I’m not sure why there is no flash photography allowed. It’s not like the characters are “real” or will screw up if the flash goes off in their eyes.
9. Speaking of those characters, in the words of my astute nine year old niece, “They’re just entertainers, you know. They’re paid to hug you and make you smile. It’s not like they really like you.” She said this to her own mother who was quite keen on getting hugs and autographs from as many “characters” as possible while she was there spending her children’s college fund on the family vacation.
10. When attempting to take a naked picture lying on Mickey’s Bed, alarms will go off. There’s a reason that there is a do not cross sign there. His bedroom really is off limits. The minute you step into his bedroom, loud alarms sound and Disney cast members come running to see what all the commotion is about. They then will discover you standing there half in the room, half out of the room without your clothes on and they will not be PLEASED at all.
It is a far better idea to take your “naked” photos in Minnie Mouse’s house, which is right next-door. While there are loads of very small children traipsing through, there are no alarms and thus you have a far better chance of actually getting naked, having your niece snap a quick photo, and moving along to the next attraction without creating a spectacle!
