I Can Live Without Manolos, But Not Without a Dog

I've been in Rhode Island.  I'm back now.  Coming home from trips is the hardest thing for me since Clyde has died because I realize when I walk in the door that he really is gone.  That he's not here.  That he's not going to bark and thump is tail and go ballastic because I have, in fact, returned. 

My heart and soul feel rather empty without a dog.  Just like I'm somehow not quite whole or complete.  While DearSweetDave and I were in Rhode Island we discussed the "next" dog or dogs possibility quite a lot.  He's a practical man, my DearSweetDave.  He's married to a notsopracticalNakedJen who is very impulsive.  A NakedJen who REALLY needs a big bold dog to keep her grounded and on this planet.  It's my job, this dog worship thing.  Really.  It's a big reason why I'm here. 

dsals: you still there?
goddessnakedjen: i am here now
dsals: hi.
dsals: I was just writing to tell you that I wanted to come with you to see the dogs sometime. But then I talked to you on the phone about it.
goddessnakedjen: oh.
goddessnakedjen: i didn't go
goddessnakedjen: to see the dogs
goddessnakedjen: because i got kind of depressed after i talked to you
dsals: I'm sorry. I don't want to make you depressed.
goddessnakedjen: i know that you don't
goddessnakedjen: you're just being realistic
goddessnakedjen: i'm being the "get the dog and worry about the consequences later" girl
dsals: I think a dog means different things to you and me.
dsals: even though we both love them, we have different relationships to them.
dsals: for me, a dog is someone to play with and hang out with, but also a huge responsibility and sometimes a burden (although I usually don't mind the burden--but it is one still, the way a job is a burden).
dsals: for you, I think a dog is first and foremost someone who loves you unconditionally, and who will always be there for you with kisses no matter how you feel or what you say.
dsals: and I think you haven't had enough of that in your life, and you crave it.
dsals: and the burden is not a consideration at all.
dsals: doesn't even feel like one.
goddessnakedjen: right.  i was thinking that as i drove over the hill that since clyde died, you've been the center of my attention
goddessnakedjen: and i was wondering if all your "WAIT A MINUTE" didn't have a little bit to do with the fact that i have been more affectionate with you since clyde died and that perhaps if we get a dog, that will shift...although i would hope that it would not
goddessnakedjen: but there's no denying that clyde got a LOT of my attention
goddessnakedjen: and vice versa
dsals: truthfully?
dsals: I'm not sure I'm the center of your attention now, although I do get a lot of it.
dsals: but your attention gets spread pretty thin between all of your fish and tea and everything.
dsals: just as mine does with my screenplay, and work, etc.
dsals: that's okay.
dsals: and I know dogs would take some of that, but that's okay too.
dsals: I got a lot of attention from clyde, and from you too when clyde was around.
dsals: but when you say "I need a dog," I think I sometimes hear, "I need someone who loves me unconditionally and will always be there when I come home and makes me feel important."
goddessnakedjen: well, i think you hear that correctly.
goddessnakedjen: because yes, that's what a dog has always given to me that no one else really has
dsals: and yet in my mind I also translate it as " someone to play with and hang out with, but also a huge responsibility and sometimes a burden"
goddessnakedjen: a dog, for me, is NEVER a burden dave.  i am a dog person.  it never feels like a burden.  not even when i have to completely rearrange my life to accomodate their needs.  a dog, in my life, as you know, usually comes first.  and sometimes second and even third.
dsals: yes. That's why my being "realistic" always makes sense to you, but still doesn't quite ring true.
dsals: for you.
goddessnakedjen: i am a woman who just doesn't feel complete without a dog.  and this is the LONGEST i have ever gone in my entire 41 years on the planet without a DOG and it's killing me.
dsals: I'm sorry that it's so hard.
goddessnakedjen: and i'm sitting here sobbing while i'm typing so i'm having quite the emotional response even to just this conversation
dsals: yes. I know it's a major emotional thing for you.
dsals: which is why I have a hard time telling you not to go visit dogs in the shelter, or even not to bring them home.
dsals: although, my good friend Jen would tell you that no one can relaly make you feel loved unconditionally or important, etc. except for you.
dsals: But I know dogs do a pretty damn good job.
goddessnakedjen: i've never not had a dog.  but i've never had a husband before when i've been faced with the challenge of "getting" a new dog.  and, in fact, all my other dogs were actually "given" to me.  including clyde.  so am i supposed to wait for the universe to "give" me my next dog??
goddessnakedjen: i'm not so good at waiting.  i think five minutes is about my limit
dsals: i don't think there's really a "supposed to" in this.
dsals: but it's more than "I've never not had a dog."
dsals: you've never not had shoes, but I imagine you wouldn't have the same emotional response. and shoes are pretty improtant to you.
goddessnakedjen: that made me giggle. 
goddessnakedjen: i think i can live without manolos.  i honestly am not sure i can live without a dog.
dsals: well, I think you should get a dog. I'm just unsure about the timing. But I also think that it's worth exploring what's missing in your life that you believe only a dog can fill.
dsals: I feel bad seeing you hurting so much.
goddessnakedjen: here's what i know. 
goddessnakedjen: about me and a dog.
goddessnakedjen: i believe, with all my heart and soul, that i was put on this planet to give some dogs a better chance at life.
goddessnakedjen: it's like my job.
goddessnakedjen: what i was put here to do.
goddessnakedjen: and through that, i've also learned that i extend that love and kindness and goodness to my fellow humans, as well.
goddessnakedjen: there are plenty of my fellow humans that have been on the receiving end of kindness and goodness that i LEARNED TO GIVE because i first had a dog.  dogs teach me patience.  they remind me that i'm here for a purpose.
goddessnakedjen: honestly, it's really as simple as that.  they've saved my life.  i save theirs. 
goddessnakedjen: plain and simple.
dsals: so when you don't have a dog you feel like you're wasting your life?
dsals: becuase that's your purpose?
goddessnakedjen: i feel like a big part of my life is "on hold" and missing
goddessnakedjen: and yes, i can be quite productive and put lots of my soul and heart and love into loads of other pursuits
goddessnakedjen: but it feels like something is just "missing".  that it isn't quite complete.  that I, JEN, am not all there.
dsals: was it this hard when you were at St. Andrews and Trinity? Even though you "had" a dog, you weren't with it.
goddessnakedjen: no, it was not.  because i HAD A DOG. 
goddessnakedjen: i saw my dogs whenever i went home.  i actually thought about that today. 
goddessnakedjen: that there were long gaps when i didn't see my dogs.  but i had them.  they knew that i loved them.  they curled up and slept with me and went ballistic the moment i walked through the door. 
goddessnakedjen: and i took my dogs to trinity, actually.  totally illegally.  for an entire semester. 
goddessnakedjen: had them sleeping with me in the dorm.  staying with me.  because i wanted them there, not at home.
dsals: I understand.
dsals: or at least, as much as I can
goddessnakedjen: i know that you're really trying.  and i do appreciate that we're working on this together.  because it would feel odd to me to just go get a dog and bring it home and say, "here he is!"
goddessnakedjen: that's not fair to you.
goddessnakedjen: or the dog.
goddessnakedjen: or even to me.
dsals: Right.
dsals: Thank you for understanding that.
dsals: so, okay.
dsals: you need a dog.
goddessnakedjen: yes, i need a big, fathead, dog
dsals: and it's enough for you to know that, and you don't have to look further. Correct?
goddessnakedjen: what do you mean, i don't have to look further?
dsals: my earlier question about what's missing in your life that you believe only a dog can fill
dsals: it sounds like you've answered that for yourself.
goddessnakedjen: yes.  exactly.  no need for examining my navel lint.
goddessnakedjen: for dog hairs!
dsals: :-)
dsals: okay, so option 1: you just go get a dog, and we deal with whatever consequences
dsals: option 2: we get a dog together, and deal with whatever consequenses.
dsals: option 3: we make a plan based on consequences, and get a dog when the plan indicates it's appropriate.
goddessnakedjen: i know that you'd most likely choose option 3. 
goddessnakedjen: i need to stop sobbing, before i can choose any option.  the fact that i'm still sobbing indicates to me that perhaps i need to wait to make any sort of decision at all about any of this. 
goddessnakedjen: and that perhaps clydefairy really is still working on it.
dsals: the fact that you're still sobbing indicates to me that this is all operating for you on a very deep level. maybe so deep tht it's beyond analyzing.
dsals: Getting a dog will probably stop the sobbing.
dsals: I'm guessing.
dsals: part of me wishes that we could figure out how to heal the part of you that feels the need to sob independently of getting a dog. But maybe that's not possible. Anyway, that's not really my decision.
dsals: I guess I would chose option 3, but then, it's not really about me.
dsals: Maybe option 2 is a better option.
dsals: I like it better than option 1.
goddessnakedjen: yes, maybe option 2.  how about we go to the alamo square dog gathering on sunday and just "look".
dsals: sure. we can do that.
goddessnakedjen: we can go from the airport.
goddessnakedjen: after you pick me up.
dsals: okay. what time do I pick you up?
goddessnakedjen: like at 1:00 or something like that?
goddessnakedjen: it's just a little side trip.
goddessnakedjen: to see about a dog.
goddessnakedjen: i should be making tea.
dsals: okay. I should be programming.
goddessnakedjen: i think being tired didn't help with the sobbing.
goddessnakedjen: thank you for talking to me.
goddessnakedjen: so gently.
goddessnakedjen: about all of this.
dsals: it probably helped a lot with the sobbing. Made it much easier
dsals: you're welcome.
dsals: thank you for being willing to talk through it, sobbing and all.
dsals: I know it's not easy.
dsals: I appreciate that you're open to that sort of thing.
dsals: and that you do think about how things will impact me.
dsals: because that's often not the case with couples.
dsals: and it means a lot to me.
goddessnakedjen: well, marriage means it's not just about ME anymore.
goddessnakedjen: or they would spell it MERRIAGE.
dsals: silly.
dsals: and it's not always fun.
dsals: or they would spell it merryage.
goddessnakedjen: giggle.
dsals: okay, go make tea.
dsals: I'll see you soon.
goddessnakedjen: bye.
dsals: bye.

Comments

[Blue Witch]

He's great, DearSweetDave, isn't he? :)

I'm sure ClydeFairy is indeed workingonit.
Patience dear Jen, patience :)

[Lorrian]

Hi NakedJen: Found you via GraceD, wept reading the Clyde saga, and visit from time to time to *see* how you are doing.

I know what you mean about being put here for dogs. I was put here for dogs and cats...have the 4 cats but haven't been able to fit the dog in yet.

You and DearSweetDave are such a good fit, bless your hearts.

:-) Lorrian

[lavonne]

man, you two are good together.

[hbd]

I want to be reincarnated as a big headed black lab where I can swim and chase balls all day. I too am a dog person, but my wife came with a cat, so we have cats. Maybe someday I can get that big headed Lab that I have always wanted.....

[e]

there are so many dogs that find their way into shelters that need a loving human to stumble onto them. I don't think you should wait for one to find you. Your big heart is being wasted while you wait for one to find you. I have worked at a shelter before, people come in every day to get creatures. most of them don't deserve one. BUT there are the few wonderful humans that come thru that you know are going to make the best parents. From reading about your life and how much you cared for clyde you need to get a dog NOW!! and rescue one from being taken in by a bad owner. Your love is needed.

[Ellen]

Lord have mercy, I don't know which is more touching, your take on your relationship to A DOG, or your DearSweetDave!
That, yes, that is what I'm looking for and hope I find one day, my own DearSweet(add name here). Thank you for chronicling this journey, and bless you both. And your future dog, too!

[I can't bring myself to call myself DearSweetDave]

I just have to point out, with some bemusement, that we went with option 1 after all. But they ARE cute.